I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize