my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
