the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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