areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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