I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
