omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Your penis caused this!
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