In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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