I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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