the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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