I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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