in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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