i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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