nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We just shotgunned beers for America
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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