swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She even gives head with a lisp.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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