Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
