I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
