"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
