She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
