ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize