Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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