im drinking this country out of the recession.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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