at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
