What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
