I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I can tuck mytits in my pants
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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