At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
