if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
