I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
