the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
