she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
