if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
