He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
