do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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