I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
