I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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