Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
