I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
