Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
