I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
two words: eviction party
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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