i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
