Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
