Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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