Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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