Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
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