There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
