So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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