and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
