you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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