I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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