Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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