I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
