So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
