Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
