Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
