Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
