she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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