i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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