no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
