Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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