I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
